July 28th, 2010 khoward
Over the course of my 18 years as a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood, California, I’ve come to utilize a number of phrases that summarize the wisdom of various theorists from Sigmund Freud, the “founder” of psychotherapy, to Louise Hay, an 80′s New Age inspirational author. But, also along the way, I’ve developed a few phrases of my own, “Ken-isms” I like to call them, based on my many observations, that have helped many people in various classic problem situations that I see over and over. Perhaps my favorite concept in treatment is “self-empowerment” (which is the name of my upcoming book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!), because I believe in helping people empower themselves to improve their quality of life in various areas, such as your health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. One of my favorite “Ken-isms” is encouraging my clients to spend their resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to their Values, Priorities, and Goals. What does this mean? Let’s take each one of those six elements: Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Life Changes, Life Skills, Life Skills, Life in West Hollywood/LA, Money Management, Money Management, Motivation, Stress Management | No Comments »
June 20th, 2009 khoward
There is a quote that I know, that I don’t know who to attribute to, that says that we need three things to succeed in life: Something to Do, someone to Love, and something to Hope For. In my psychotherapy practice, when I see truly thriving people, I think these three things are key to their success.
Something to “do” applies to a sense of mastery and productivity over our lives in both personal and professional ways. In cocktail conversation, we say, “What do you do?”, meaning, what is your profession, something that helps you identify your contribution to the world (and, yes, homemaker is STILL a legitimate answer!). We need to work to live, not live to work. Something to “do” can mean our work, but it can also mean our hobbies and our domestic life. A sound mental health means that we have control and mastery of our lives, and we are doing what we love to do as much of the time as possible. Lynn Grodzki, a therapist and business coach, says that our time should be spent in three ways: activities that feed our wallet, feed our spirit, and other “et cetera” activities — with that last category being the smallest allocation of time. Sometimes in therapy, the work is about helping someone “do” something else — a new work, or developing new hobbies and ways to meet friends or lovers.
Someone to “love” applies possibly to a spouse or long-term partner, but it can also mean other worthy objects of our love. This can mean family, friends, or the recipients of our efforts. A teacher, for example, may have a love for his students. A doctor might love his patients. An activist might love animals. An environmentalist might love the Earth. To have a sound mental health, we must not only have the capacity to love, but we must select a recipient for that love that we have passion about, and that keeps us active every day.
Something to “hope for” means that we live with dreams and aspirations that motivate us toward the future, an as-yet-unattained goal that excites and drives us. Something to hope for could be working for social justice. We can hope for seeing a friend or relative graduate from school, overcome an illness, or complete a project. This kind of hope motivates us to dream bigger, appreciating what we have all the while, but also letting us work toward something valuable for our future. Something to hope for can include our own growth, the growth of another whom we care about, or the growth of a cause or purpose that is important in our particular system of values and priorities.
All of these topics can be the focus of therapy or coaching. The “do” area can mean career counseling/coaching, making a plan to improve or change your career, find new hobbies, or “clean up” life so that you have more time for the things you enjoy. The “love” area can be troubleshooting the relationships in your life to reduce conflict and increase joys with important people around you — partners, family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and community members. The “hope for” can be identifying your passions and dreams, and freeing yourself to work toward what is most important to you in this lifetime.
Think about what you do, whom you love, and what you hope for. How is it different from what you would like? To close that cap, consider therapy or coaching. Doing, loving, and hoping can help you… Have the Life You Want!
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Success Story: Jeff Makes a New Home
My client, Jeff, came to see me because he was trying to cope with a recent breakup with his boyfriend of two years. They had moved to LA together when Jeff’s boyfriend got a job transfer, but it became clear breaking up was healthy for both of them. Jeff wanted support, but he felt isolated living in LA. He worked for a big company and had a great job that paid well — no problem there. But as a gay sports fan, he felt a bit isloated and needed to overcome some social anxiety. He needed something new to “do” – and someone new to ”love” — (see above). Together in therapy, I helped Jeff conquer social anxiety with some cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques. We also brainstormed how to find new things to try and new people to be exposed to. Finally, Jeff came up with trying out for the local gay softball league. He made the team, and found that he couldn’t get enough of the practices and games — and he was a high-scorer. He didn’t meet a new boyfriend — yet — but found a small group of teammates that he eventually saw socially, even outside of practice and games — in other words, someone new to love were his new friends, to make his new life in LA really feel like home. Jeff learned how to use therapy to overcome anxieties, explore new activities, and take new risks — a good way to be on the road to having the life you want!
(All depictions in success stories are altered to protect client confidentiality, and may include an amalgam of different cases seen in actual clinical practice.)
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(To ask questions or submit comments about this article, or to suggest topics for future newsletters, email me at KBHMSW@aol.com.)
Posted in Career/Work/Job Concerns, Life Changes, Life Skills, Life Skills, Motivation | No Comments »
September 22nd, 2008 khoward
In my work as a psychotherapist and life coach, I am always grateful for the many and varied sources of inspiration that come my way. The latest uplifting piece of material I’ve come across is in music, in a relatively new song by country/pop star Dolly Parton, well-known by her fans and her colleagues for being so cheerful that she refers to herself as the “Dolly Lama” for being asked for her advice on how she keeps her perennially-positive attitude. Summarized in a song, “Better Get to Livin’”, (from her new CD, “Backwoods Barbie”) and featured in her new Broadway-bound musical version of “9 to 5”, opening soon in Los Angeles, Dolly describes her philosophy, available at iTunes.com or at http://www.dollyon-line.com/archives/lyrics/better_get_to_livin.shtml. The lyrics go like this:
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“You better to get to livin’, givin’, Be willin’ and forgivin; ‘cause all healin’ has to start with you. You better stop whinin’, pinin’, Get your dreams in line, and then just shine, design, refine til they come true — and you better get to livin’.”
As simple as these words are, they reveal a similar philosophy about self-empowerment that I often teach my clients as I encourage them to identify, call forth, strengthen, and implement the skills of coping they need to face life’s challenges head-on. One of the best strategies for any challenge is to adopt as relentlessly positive an attitude as you possibly can, even if that’s hard to do. Earlier this year, when I was facing Total Hip Replacement surgery of my left femur bone joint in my left leg due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis (crumbling bone), I took this attitude to prepare for my surgery. I worked out extra-hard the week before the surgery so that I would be in peak shape for my subsequent recovery and physical therapy. I was grateful for the not-so-bad hospital food, for the cute physical therapist, for the silly word games my fiancé played with me to pass the time, and for the nurses who took good care of me, I believe, in part due to the relentlessly polite and positive approach I gave them (I wanted them to be happy to answer my buzzer!). Later, I undertook my physical therapy not as a chore, but as a joy that the exercises would restore me to full athletic physical functioning — which they did, after only 12 weeks of consistent and diligent work. I don’t think it would have gone as fast or as well if I hadn’t been practicing Dolly’s advice — and this was before I learned about her song!
In daily practice with clients, I will often quote an inspirational song, story, script, or poem that I think might help them, or ask them to see if they can draw inspiration from a piece of music or literature that inspires them. Getting inspiration from the materials we are exposed to, and applying that material to challenging situations, is one aspect of emotional coping with the challenges that life inevitably tosses into our path.
Dolly’s song goes on to suggest that if “your life’s a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe’s way outdated, all your plans just keep on fallin’ through; overweight, underpaid, under-appreciated — I’m no guru, but I’ll tell you, this I know is true: You better to get to livin’, givin’, a little more thought about bein’ a little more willin’, to make a better way — Better start carin’, sharin’, tryin’, smilin’ — the day we’re born, we start to die, don’t waste a minute of this life — get to livin’.” All of these “in” verbs are a motivating list of how we need to jump-start our self-empowered attitudes. If something isn’t right, reach deep down into yourself and ask, “What do I need to evoke in myself to make things better?” Or, “What do I need to ask of others to make things better?” Knowing the internal resources we need (motivation, assertiveness, stamina, self-respect, effort, belief, inspiration, compassion) and the resources from others (information, elbow-grease, wisdom, time, compassion, faith, trust, courage, patience) helps us to assemble the tools we need to make change. Applying our resources — plus those we borrow from others — is what makes change in our lives.
Dolly’s more religious side suggests, “If it gets too rough, fall on your knees and pray — and do this every day.” For non-religious but perhaps more spiritual people, maybe it’s about meditating, concentrating, releasing, and believing. For people in AA, it’s about “giving it up” to a God of their understanding, or to their Higher Power. Sometimes, when it gets real rough, our spirituality has to augment all the resources that are within us and those near us. The anniversary of 9/11/01 comes to mind, or when things happen that seem to take all that we can give — and then some. When we really stretch at those times, we grow.
Lots of song lyrics can inspire us, and other materials that I can explain in therapy or coaching. What songs inspire you? Get to listenin’ — and get to livin’ — so that you, too, can Have The Life You Want!
Posted in HIV: Living Successfully, Health/Illness Management, Life Changes, Life Skills, Life in West Hollywood/LA, Motivation, Stress Management | No Comments »
March 3rd, 2005 khoward
The recent (and perhaps transient) popularity of “The Secret,” the almost “underground” self-help DVD that has become the latest rage of “Oprah” and “Ellen” in recent weeks, has been the topic of water-cooler conversations all over the country and certainly in therapist’s offices like mine. Read the rest of this entry »
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November 30th, 2003 khoward
If you’re like most people, by the time February comes, the New Year’s Resolutions you made January 1st are a distant memory. Despite our best-laid plans, it’s hard to make and sustain real changes in our lives, even when we know the changes are necessary or desirable. Living with HIV requires a lot of flexibility and being ready to make changes that will improve our mental or physical health. Read the rest of this entry »
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May 2nd, 2003 khoward
After living on the west coast for a number of years, the ritual of “spring cleaning” practiced by many in the Midwest and the East is a faded memory. But for many people in the country, warmer weather in the spring means opening the doors and windows that were shut all winter to keep out the cold. Once open, it’s time for things to move in and out more easily – sweeping the dust out the door and letting the new warm fragrant breeze in. It can also be a good time for home maintenance like re-painting walls, bringing in new furnishings, or cleaning out things to give away to charity. Read the rest of this entry »
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