July 28th, 2010 khoward
Over the course of my 18 years as a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood, California, I’ve come to utilize a number of phrases that summarize the wisdom of various theorists from Sigmund Freud, the “founder” of psychotherapy, to Louise Hay, an 80′s New Age inspirational author. But, also along the way, I’ve developed a few phrases of my own, “Ken-isms” I like to call them, based on my many observations, that have helped many people in various classic problem situations that I see over and over. Perhaps my favorite concept in treatment is “self-empowerment” (which is the name of my upcoming book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!), because I believe in helping people empower themselves to improve their quality of life in various areas, such as your health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. One of my favorite “Ken-isms” is encouraging my clients to spend their resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to their Values, Priorities, and Goals. What does this mean? Let’s take each one of those six elements: Read the rest of this entry »
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October 29th, 2009 khoward
I love Halloween. Maybe it’s because of the theatricality of it, with costumes and props, or maybe it’s because of my addiction to chocolate. Author Peg Aloi, an expert on Pagan holidays, explains that Halloween, or “Samhain” as it is sometimes called (which means “summer’s end”), is observed as a celebration of the last harvest of the year before winter. It is also a time to reflect on and honor those who have passed on before us. The “veil between the worlds” of the living and the dead is said to be at its thinnest on this day, hence its association with séances and ghosts. For me, as a mental health professional, I think one could view the Halloween season in October as a time about confronting our fears – particularly those fears held by people living with HIV/AIDS.
By dressing up in costumes and embracing things scary and ghoulish, making a sugary feast of it all at a time when the days grow shorter and green fields grow brown, we are confronting and even embracing our fears. Fear is like an internal smoke alarm for our minds; it shrieks and screams as a signal to warn us that the house might be on fire, that we’re in danger, that we had better move fast to prevent harm. But sometimes the smoke alarm of fear goes off because we burned the toast and it’s nothing to worry about. Our internal fear trigger doesn’t know the difference; its job is simply to give us that early warning signal; it’s up to us to check it out to see if a threat is real. Our instinct of fear is a much older brain function than our cognitive ability to reason out things. In the evolution of humankind, if we didn’t have a good fear sense as a species, we never would have outrun the saber-toothed tigers. But sometimes our fears hold us back, and keep us from the wonderful things we would have said, done, visited, read, tried, dared, or been.
When faced with a decision that scares us, we can look at what can happen, what we want to happen, and what will likely happen. We can look to our supportive resources, do our homework, and know within reason what the outcome will be. We need to confront our fears with informed reason. If I enter an airplane and a four-year-old child is at the controls, reason tells me to get off the plane. But if I enter that same plane and see a trained, adult crew in uniforms, I can reasonably place my trust that the trip will be safe.
How many of us living with HIV have to confront fears every day? We live with a virus that has been deadly to so many in all the world, yet for many in Western countries with the good fortune of access to expert care, often we can remain stable and healthy indefinitely. October and Halloween are not just about life and death, but about all fears. We might fear illness and death as people with HIV, but what other fears do we face? Are we afraid to enter a relationship because we’ve been hurt in the past? Are we afraid to date because someone might reject us because of our HIV status? To accept a new job because of fear of losing disability benefits? To try medication because we’re not sure what side effects it might have? To have children because of the small chance of perinatal transmission? To speak our minds to our insensitive landlord, boss, doctor, spouse, partner, sibling, parent, teacher, or neighbor because we think we lose our right to stand up for ourselves once we test positive? All of these can provoke paralyzing fears that immobilize people into a stagnant misery, when some of those fears could be managed or eliminated when confronted with a few questions from informed reason. If you’re afraid of something, ask yourself realistically — How likely is it? What about trying it a little bit? Who can support you in this? What do you need to know about this to make a better judgment about you’re afraid of? Who can teach you more? What’s the risk of “not” trying this?
Halloween is a time for putting on masks, embodying our fears, looking them in the eye, and then knowing that when it’s over, we can take those masks off again and be OK. In the words of Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo’s classic song, “Dead Man’s Party”, “Don’t be afraid; it’s only me; don’t be afraid of what you cannot see.”
KH:c:KH-A&U-Oct02
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June 20th, 2009 khoward
There is a quote that I know, that I don’t know who to attribute to, that says that we need three things to succeed in life: Something to Do, someone to Love, and something to Hope For. In my psychotherapy practice, when I see truly thriving people, I think these three things are key to their success.
Something to “do” applies to a sense of mastery and productivity over our lives in both personal and professional ways. In cocktail conversation, we say, “What do you do?”, meaning, what is your profession, something that helps you identify your contribution to the world (and, yes, homemaker is STILL a legitimate answer!). We need to work to live, not live to work. Something to “do” can mean our work, but it can also mean our hobbies and our domestic life. A sound mental health means that we have control and mastery of our lives, and we are doing what we love to do as much of the time as possible. Lynn Grodzki, a therapist and business coach, says that our time should be spent in three ways: activities that feed our wallet, feed our spirit, and other “et cetera” activities — with that last category being the smallest allocation of time. Sometimes in therapy, the work is about helping someone “do” something else — a new work, or developing new hobbies and ways to meet friends or lovers.
Someone to “love” applies possibly to a spouse or long-term partner, but it can also mean other worthy objects of our love. This can mean family, friends, or the recipients of our efforts. A teacher, for example, may have a love for his students. A doctor might love his patients. An activist might love animals. An environmentalist might love the Earth. To have a sound mental health, we must not only have the capacity to love, but we must select a recipient for that love that we have passion about, and that keeps us active every day.
Something to “hope for” means that we live with dreams and aspirations that motivate us toward the future, an as-yet-unattained goal that excites and drives us. Something to hope for could be working for social justice. We can hope for seeing a friend or relative graduate from school, overcome an illness, or complete a project. This kind of hope motivates us to dream bigger, appreciating what we have all the while, but also letting us work toward something valuable for our future. Something to hope for can include our own growth, the growth of another whom we care about, or the growth of a cause or purpose that is important in our particular system of values and priorities.
All of these topics can be the focus of therapy or coaching. The “do” area can mean career counseling/coaching, making a plan to improve or change your career, find new hobbies, or “clean up” life so that you have more time for the things you enjoy. The “love” area can be troubleshooting the relationships in your life to reduce conflict and increase joys with important people around you — partners, family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and community members. The “hope for” can be identifying your passions and dreams, and freeing yourself to work toward what is most important to you in this lifetime.
Think about what you do, whom you love, and what you hope for. How is it different from what you would like? To close that cap, consider therapy or coaching. Doing, loving, and hoping can help you… Have the Life You Want!
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Success Story: Jeff Makes a New Home
My client, Jeff, came to see me because he was trying to cope with a recent breakup with his boyfriend of two years. They had moved to LA together when Jeff’s boyfriend got a job transfer, but it became clear breaking up was healthy for both of them. Jeff wanted support, but he felt isolated living in LA. He worked for a big company and had a great job that paid well — no problem there. But as a gay sports fan, he felt a bit isloated and needed to overcome some social anxiety. He needed something new to “do” – and someone new to ”love” — (see above). Together in therapy, I helped Jeff conquer social anxiety with some cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques. We also brainstormed how to find new things to try and new people to be exposed to. Finally, Jeff came up with trying out for the local gay softball league. He made the team, and found that he couldn’t get enough of the practices and games — and he was a high-scorer. He didn’t meet a new boyfriend — yet — but found a small group of teammates that he eventually saw socially, even outside of practice and games — in other words, someone new to love were his new friends, to make his new life in LA really feel like home. Jeff learned how to use therapy to overcome anxieties, explore new activities, and take new risks — a good way to be on the road to having the life you want!
(All depictions in success stories are altered to protect client confidentiality, and may include an amalgam of different cases seen in actual clinical practice.)
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(To ask questions or submit comments about this article, or to suggest topics for future newsletters, email me at KBHMSW@aol.com.)
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