Time – We hear a lot about “time management”, meaning that time is the great equalizer in that we all get 24 hours in a day, so the variable is how we “manage” those hours. As a resource, time is especially precious because it can’t be stored, sped up, slowed down, or reversed. Once it’s spent, it’s gone. To control how we spend our time, we need resolve, determination, control, and a clear vision of our values, priorities and goals.

Energy – Energy, in the personal sense, relates to our physical stamina, and our ability to focus our energy on a specific task. This can vary based on our age, genetic makeup, and other individual differences. Just like there are only so many hours in a day, we each only have so much energy to give; it’s a finite resource and we need to choose its expenditures carefully.

Money – Unlike Time and Energy, money is a potentially unlimited resource at our disposal, depending on our life circumstances. And, unlike Time and Energy, it can be a tangible resource that we can hold and touch in the form of currency. But for most of us, it is indeed a finite resource, and like Time, we must spend it carefully in order not to squander it.

Values – While the word “values” has been corrupted and sullied by the Right Wing with the term “Traditional Family Values”, a euphemism for antigay bigotry and hatred, there are humanistic and positive values as well. When we expend our resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to our values, we are controlling the expenditures in accordance with a set of guiding philosophies. For example, I don’t spend money at Wal-Mart because their corporate policies are in violation of my social and political values. I don’t spend time watching football because that’s in violation of my values of the hobbies I’m interested in. I do spend energy on working out, because that’s in line with my values of taking care of my body.

Priorities – Our priorities in life are the things that, relative to other things, we hold in high esteem and importance. There aren’t enough resources to expend equal amounts of resource on all things, so we must have priorities. If there isn’t enough time in an evening to pay my bills online and go to the gym, I might skip paying bills as long as they’re not overdue, because I’m making the gym a priority of how to spend my time. If I don’t have the energy to both clean the kitchen and reorganize the closet, I might clean the kitchen since that’s a daily priority.

Goals – Our goals are the short-term and long-term visions that we have for ourselves to make our lives satisfactory. If we are going to reach future goals, we need to regulate and expend our resources with those goals in mind. If my goal is to lose 2 inches off my waist, I need to expend time at the gym working out, money to renew my gym membership, and energy to complete certain exercises. The consistent application of our resources, over time, is what helps us reach our goals.

Whenever we feel out of control in our lives, and it feels like things just “aren’t going well”, it probably means we have to be more disciplined about spending our resources of time, energy, and money according to our values, priorities and goals. We need to remind ourselves, as we discipline ourselves, that we are responsible for our lives, we are calling the shots, and it’s up to us to focus on what we want to achieve. While being more disciplined can feel like work, it’s actually in our best interest to do it. We feel more in control, and more empowered. If you practice this “Ken-ism” consistently, you can move toward your goals and… Have the Life You Want!

Based on the concepts of mutual support, mutual challenge, team-building, and group cohesion found on sports teams and their related coaching, you actively participate inside group sessions, and outside between sessions, working on your professional and personal goals. 

Historically, great business tycoons such as Henry Ford and William Firestone participated in high-level “Mastermind Groups”, as described in motivational speaker Jack Canfield’s classic book, The Success Principles.  It is a little-known fact that these great tycoons would gather together regularly to offer their mutual ideas, support, information, and resources, to help each other thrive to grand measures in business and amassing fortunes unparalleled in American history.  While you don’t have to be a national business tycoon, harnessing the power of group information, support, and resources can help YOU be the “CEO” of your own life.

What are you trying to achieve?  A change in your career?  Growth in your career?  Increased income?  Further education or skills?  Improved work/home balance?  A transformed body?  Improved social life?  More active civic life?  Better relationships with a partner, children, parents, or co-workers?  A better car, home, or lifestyle?  More fulfillment, spirituality, and civic meaning?  These are just a few of the topics that are fair game for getting support for, and in turn giving support to others.

There is power in groups.  The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  Together, for a SMALL group of highly DEDICATED and committed people, CoachTeam can change your life.

Scared?  Good; you should be.  This is hard work.  It’s also about confronting and breaking through the barriers you have to taking responsibility for your life and actually making the scary — but very rewarding — changes in your life that you’ve probably been desiring for a long time.  The investment for membership in CoachTeam is $75 per 90-minute session, and includes various handout materials during some sessions. 

If you feel like CoachTeam might be for you, send me an email at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, or call me at 310-726-4357, for information on when the next group section time for CoachTeam will be forming.  I will keep a Waiting List, and when we have a critical mass (usually about 5 people), we will start a new group time, or perhaps you can fit into an existing group in progress.

“Clear Eyes – Full Hearts — Can’t Lose!”

By dressing up in costumes and embracing things scary and ghoulish, making a sugary feast of it all at a time when the days grow shorter and green fields grow brown, we are confronting and even embracing our fears.  Fear is like an internal smoke alarm for our minds; it shrieks and screams as a signal to warn us that the house might be on fire, that we’re in danger, that we had better move fast to prevent harm.  But sometimes the smoke alarm of fear goes off because we burned the toast and it’s nothing to worry about.  Our internal fear trigger doesn’t know the difference; its job is simply to give us that early warning signal; it’s up to us to check it out to see if a threat is real.  Our instinct of fear is a much older brain function than our cognitive ability to reason out things.  In the evolution of humankind, if we didn’t have a good fear sense as a species, we never would have outrun the saber-toothed tigers.  But sometimes our fears hold us back, and keep us from the wonderful things we would have said, done, visited, read, tried, dared, or been.

When faced with a decision that scares us, we can look at what can happen, what we want to happen, and what will likely happen.  We can look to our supportive resources, do our homework, and know within reason what the outcome will be.  We need to confront our fears with informed reason.  If I enter an airplane and a four-year-old child is at the controls, reason tells me to get off the plane.  But if I enter that same plane and see a trained, adult crew in uniforms, I can reasonably place my trust that the trip will be safe. 

How many of us living with HIV have to confront fears every day?  We live with a virus that has been deadly to so many in all the world, yet for many in Western countries with the good fortune of access to expert care, often we can remain stable and healthy indefinitely.  October and Halloween are not just about life and death, but about all fears.  We might fear illness and death as people with HIV, but what other fears do we face?  Are we afraid to enter a relationship because we’ve been hurt in the past?  Are we afraid to date because someone might reject us because of our HIV status?  To accept a new job because of fear of losing disability benefits?  To try medication because we’re not sure what side effects it might have?  To have children because of the small chance of perinatal transmission?  To speak our minds to our insensitive landlord, boss, doctor, spouse, partner, sibling, parent, teacher, or neighbor because we think we lose our right to stand up for ourselves once we test positive?  All of these can provoke paralyzing fears that immobilize people into a stagnant misery, when some of those fears could be managed or eliminated when confronted with a few questions from informed reason.  If you’re afraid of something, ask yourself realistically — How likely is it?  What about trying it a little bit?  Who can support you in this?  What do you need to know about this to make a better judgment about you’re afraid of?  Who can teach you more?  What’s the risk of “not” trying this?   

Halloween is a time for putting on masks, embodying our fears, looking them in the eye, and then knowing that when it’s over, we can take those masks off again and be OK.  In the words of Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo’s classic song, “Dead Man’s Party”, “Don’t be afraid; it’s only me; don’t be afraid of what you cannot see.”

KH:c:KH-A&U-Oct02

Handling Being Laid Off

According to the Alaska Department of Labor, being laid off includes acknowledging and coping with an entire series of stressors, including the loss of:    

· Wages and benefits – the basic livelihood for our lifestyle

· Your role as a worker and provider; independence

· Dignity and self-esteem of work

· Expectations we had for the “American Dream”

· Trust in our economic system

· Feelings of control over your life

· Your daily pattern and comfortable, familiar routines

· Your “work family” of colleagues

· Feelings of patriotism and collective strength

These losses can cause symptoms of stress.  But for every stressor, there is often a recommended resource and response.  For example, for:

• Getting sick more often?  Practice self –care of good food, exercise, and rest
• Feeling tired all the time? Sleep regular hours, eat balanced meals, do some cardio
• Sadness and depression? Seek counseling/therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy
• Eating more or eating less? Eat a regular diet, small regular meals
• Having trouble sleeping?  Ask your doctor for a prescription sleep aid, consider relaxation CDs
• Feeling shaky or dizzy?  Consult your doctor, practice meditation, guided imagery, biofeedback or yoga
• Sexual problems?  Cuddle, hug, take the pressure off “performance”, seek couples counseling as needed
• Not interested in anything? Seek therapy for possible depression; get outside of yourself and volunteer to help others
• Increased use of drugs or alcohol? Practice harm reduction; reduce or eliminate these; find alternative “treats” and indulgences
• Getting angry more easily? Forgive yourself and others; practice relaxation
• Feeling out of control? Identify things you can control; do 2-3 things per day in support of yourself; say “I could _________” over and over; volunteer for a cause; keep a journal of your small successes each day

Coping with a layoff also involves dealing with the obvious financial crisis this often brings.  Various time-honored tips for financial crisis management include the following:

- Evaluate your financial situation – know your monthly expenses and any income or resources; make a budget and stick to it

- Pay minimums on your credit cards and other debts, but keep every debt current

- Negotiate your “exit package” with your employer before you leave your job – severance pay, job search “outplacement” or resume service fees, extended health and other benefits beyond date of separation

- Try to take copies of important documents before you receive notice of layoff or the day of, if you are allowed to according to your company’s intellectual property policy – such as your Rolodex or Outlook contact files, important memos you wrote, brochures you made, photographs of projects, PowerPoint presentations, successful proposals or reports you wrote, – things that would be part of a “portfolio” of impressive work product samples to show new potential employers

- Get recommendation letters from colleagues, and a letter from Human Resources verifying that you were laid off, not fired

- Enroll in COBRA quickly to preserve your health care coverage for emergencies and routine care

- Make personal/professional business cards on VistaPrint.com to network with – give them out constantly after your layoff

- Pretend you have to live on much less than you actually have – try $10/day for everything

- Use social networking sites – Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, Craigslist

- Sell any unused stuff in a garage or yard sale – (Avoid Ebay; its owner is a major Prop 8 supporter!)

- Go back to basics – food, sleep, exercise, stress management, family/peer support

- Brainstorm cheap entertainment – games, books, discount theatres, home-made dinners

- Separate “you” from “you in the job” – you are/were NOT your job – recognize that you have a professional self that transcends any one organization or title

- Research public benefits – Enroll in CA Unemployment, or if you have a physical or psychiatric disability (stress, depression), consider talking to your doctor about enrolling in SDI, the CA short-term disability program (which pays more than Unemployment). 

- Register with temporary agencies or make yourself available for consulting.  Always network with others with a, “How can I serve you?” attitude, not a, “Give me a job” one.

- Make your job-hunt your new job – Follow a Monday-Friday, 9 to 5 schedule. 

- Get new training or go back to school for new work skills, if necessary. 

- Be open to taking what you can get job-wise, and make the most of it.  Read Jack Canfield’s, The Success Principles for a detailed description of great attitudes to adopt. 

- Grieve and vent a little; you have to get these feelings off your chest with someone. 

Supporting a Partner Who’s Been Laid Off

Maybe it’s not you, but your partner who has been laid off.  What do you do then?  Here are some other tips:

- Offer support as he wants it – not how you want to give it.  Does he need you to just listen?  Give advice?  Make jokes?  Talk about it?  NOT talk about it?  Help him with job networking? Role-play “mock” job interviews to build confidence?

- Discuss the issue as a two-person family – don’t think in terms of you/me; it’s “US”

- Review your household budget and try to make some sacrifices evenly between the two of you

- Try to boost your partner’s self-esteem by giving sincere compliments and recognition of things he does well outside of work (I bet you know a few…*ahem*). 

- Discuss how if one partner picks up more expenses, the other “contributes” in non-monetary ways such as more domestic duties; discuss what might be fair in terms of money, chores, and other contributions to the household

Handling Laying Off Employees

Perhaps it’s not you, or your partner, who has been laid off, but you’re the one doing the laying off as a manager or director in your company.  This is a thankless, unpleasant, and guilt-inducing task, but at times it must be done for the good of the company you represent. 

These are ways to cope with this chore: 

- Separate your role as a manager/officer of the company from your relationships with colleagues

- Keep in contact with your supervisor and HR – use them as resources so you follow proper legal protocols and not feel isolated in this process

- Focus on your role to keep your whole department “sound” – it’s not about individual employees when you are a manager

- Find trusted “buddies” to vent to – preferably on the same management level (don’t vent to subordinates or superiors)

- Balance the number of “bodies” on your staff in terms of quality versus quantity of workers

- Be quick, firm, but compassionate – offer to write letters of recommendation or take reference calls, if your company allows that

- Don’t be omnipotent.  These people are going to sink or swim, with or without you.  You can’t take credit if someone leaves and is a success, and you can’t take blame if they leave and have hard times.  There are too many variables besides you affecting that person’s success, and they have to take responsibility for their own lives

- Motivate the employees you have left – keep up morale with low-cost recognitions.  The book 1,000 Ways to Reward Employees can help. 

- Stop feeling guilty – most laid-off employees do just fine, relatively shortly

Finally, remember that economic recessions are inherently temporary.  These downturns are to be expected at several points in the long span of your career, and it might help to evoke the ancient wisdom of, “This, too, shall pass.”  And then, my friends, the party is ON!

But for too many gay men at midlife (which varies in its definition from “anyone over 30” to silver foxes in their mid-40’s and well beyond), midlife is not a time of thriving, but of striving to cope with perceived losses of social status, physical prowess, and professional effectiveness.  But in their classic book, “Golden Men: Gay Men at Midlife”, author Harold Kooden, Ph.D. and Charles Flowers state, “Forty is the age that gay men stop living their lives for others and start living them for themselves.”  Amen to that.  How liberating!  As gay children and adolescents, we have “had” to capitulate to others (the dominant heterosexist paradigm) so often, that by midlife it gets weary to accommodate others’ prejudices AT ALL – and it’s then that we become the most self-liberated and unapologetic about our gay selves.  Unfortunately, this also coincides with a time of feeling the sting of ageism from our community’s socially-powerful youth – some more frequently feeling it than others. 

Midlife implies much just in its name:  Mid, meaning equidistant between two points, and Life – the entire experience of being.  In midlife, we are youthful enough to remember where we have been since birth, growing all the while physically and socially, but we also are old enough to begin to contemplate the idea of our own eventual demise – something that is said to distinguish humans from all other animals.  Poor coping with midlife is tantamount to the worst of both worlds:  not learning from our mistakes, trying to be something (youthful) that we are not, fearing for the future, and failing to appreciate fully both what is behind us and what is yet to come. 

Skillful coping with midlife, however, involves the practical application of both cognitive and behavioral skills that help us to thrive with the “best of both worlds” – appreciating that we are not yet elderly, yet appreciating that we have achieved maturity.  These are the skills of successful aging that I work with my psychotherapy and coaching clients on all the time.  Erik Erickson, Ph.D, the psychologist and theorist, said that we all pass through certain important developmental phases in the human lifespan, and that every age has both a challenge and a reward.  Part of the key to enjoying life is to enjoy each stage as it is experienced – not obsessing over the last one, nor anticipating the next, but enjoying the exact phase of life where you are.  The same holds true with the Pagan concept of the Wheel of the Year (the seasons); you don’t try to build a snowman in July; you might enjoy the beach instead.  And you don’t try to run through the sprinklers for fun in February (OK, except maybe some days in LA) – you work with what Mother Nature gives you at the time.  This is part of the concept of the “local food” movement.  Staying in the present moment, and enjoying it – even savoring it – is to some, the key to happiness. 

What are the most important points of advice that I have observed in gay men who are the most successful at coping with Midlife?  Here are a few:

- Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t.  I started gymnastics training at 34, and aerial training (Cirque du Soleil-style) at 43.  “No” is a word that my ears tend to filter out.  When we push our bodies gently, they tend to go in the direction we want.  Midlife bodies are capable of much more than we originally think sometimes. 

- Take care of your physical self.  – It is the tendency of men at midlife to gain weight easily.  Fight it.  Exercise in a way that you find both fun and consistent.  It is a myth that men at midlife must always be “paunchy.”  Don’t be afraid to start at the beginning; the only requirement for being at a gym is the desire to work out.  There is no beauty contest; only sincere users of efficiently-designed equipment.  Go early or late if you want to avoid the whole “intimidating scene” aspect, but better yet, go anytime you want.  

- Let go of past hurts – Women have outlived men for generations, and it’s theorized it’s because they just know how to handle stress better.  Take a hint on women’s superior life expectancy data:  Don’t sweat the small stuff, and work to resolve the big stuff. 

- Learn from your mistakes.  If you filed bankruptcy at 39, get on the ball with making and keeping a budget, setting aside money for retirement, and addressing (through behavioral therapy, if necessary) maladaptive spending habits.  Commit to the concepts of Lifelong Learning and Continuous Quality Improvement. 

- Respect what is your body’s friend, and what is not.  Sugar, fat, carbs, alcohol,  preservatives, gambling, sex, shopping, the Internet, and psychoactive substances all might have a role in life, perhaps occasionally a positive or useful one, but their role should only be in proportion to their cost-benefit ratio.  Once that ratio is exceeded, put them in their proper place by any means necessary – from a short-time diet, to therapy, to a life in 12-Step programs. 

- Get over your parents.  Whatever damage they did to you as a child, by midlife, you’ve been an adult long enough to set aside those early challenges and take responsibility for your own success and destiny regardless.  Interact with difficult aging parents or others only to the extent that you protect yourself from Interpersonal Toxicity by limiting your exposure to them (see Susan Forward’s book, Toxic Parents, for an explanation of this.)  

- Use mentors.  Just because you’re old enough to be father to an adult doesn’t mean you can’t still learn from those even older than you, or those who are younger but whose expertise is in a different area.  Resist the social notion that older people are worthless.  What comes out of their mouth in words of advice should be marketed as a commodity worth more than platinum. 

- Let the young be as silly and stupid as you were – and you were.  You had your turn making mistakes, let them make theirs.  If they are ageist and don’t appreciate you, it’s their loss and their mistake.  Don’t take their word as gospel.  If you like younger guys, there are plenty who will like you; you don’t need them ALL to like you, just enough to give you a few hot tricks a year, or even one good trophy boyfriend. 

- Ring them bells.  Go out and meet your neighbors, coworkers, and colleagues who share your interests and invite people to share important activities with you.  If you get a “no” 6 times for every “yes” to social invitations you extend, accept that the proportion sucks, but the “yeses” are worth it.  People are lazy; that’s OK; you just do the inviting and the organizing of movies, dinners, concerts, theatre, theme parties, camping, volunteerism, and activism. Someone has to direct this cruise; it might as well be you.  One of my favorite adages I give to my clients is:  The Antidote to Loneliness is Initiative.  It’s a small price to pay for always having something to do, and someone to do it with. 

If these tips sound idealistic, they aren’t.  I’ve seen guys in my practice apply versions of these frequently, and I’ve seen how the proper use of these skills raises the quality of life for gay men at midlife.  Apply President-Elect Obama’s mantra:  Yes We Can.  If this interests you, learn how you can implement these skills and experience the same joy of this special time of life that we only pass through once. 

It goes like this:  For a relationship to be working optimally, it is as if the two partners of a relationship have three little “status lights” on their bodies that light up, kind of like a computer modem.  We have one of these lights on our head (indicating how we are responding to our partner rationally, and if they stimulate us mentally); one more at our heart (indicating how we are responding to our partner emotionally and romantically, such as being in love); and one more at our crotch (indicating how we are responding to our partner with sexual feelings).  The brighter the lights in each area, the more robust our response.  However, whenever one of these status lights is dim or burned out, there is a problem in the relationship.  For a relationship to thrive at any given time, all six lights – his three, your three — need to be shining bright. 

Brian and Victor came to see me due to complaints that they hadn’t sex in a long time, and both of them were starting to seek sex outside the relationship.  In the course of couples therapy, it became clear that while their “head lights” were still bright – in that both of them still enjoyed each other’s company, stimulated each other intellectually, and had great talks – and their “heart lights” were both on – in that they still considered themselves in love and committed to keeping their home together – Brian’s “crotch light” in his sexual feelings for Victor had dimmed a bit, and Victor’s “crotch light” had dimmed to almost being off for Brian.  Upon exploration, it was revealed that Victor had lost some sexual interest in Brian because his body had changed over the years they were together.  Brian had slowly gained a lot of weight due to a new job that had kept him at a desk long hours.  His frame that was once lean and muscular that first attracted Victor was lost to a sedentary lifestyle and too much fast food.  Brian’s doctor had recommended a few changes in his routines that could have addressed this, but Brian ignored this advice.  Victor was embarrassed to come right out and say why he was avoiding sex with Brian, but since they had committed to be monogamous, eventually he had to be frank with Brian that Brian’s weight gain bothered him.  He committed to having sex with only Brian; he did not commit to celibacy.  Finally, Victor had to explain the reason for the infrequent sex.  Once Brian heard this, he embarked on a simple diet and exercise plan out of consideration not only for Victor, but for his own health, too.  After some couples therapy focused on sexuality, sex resumed soon after between Victor and Brian, and the lights were burning bright again.

Another client’s situation involved Christopher’s attempts at dating.  The latest was with Chad, whom he met online and they went to meet for coffee.  During the coffee-date, Christopher was fascinated with Chad’s sculpted body and movie-star jawline.  He found Chad funny and charming.  But he also found Chad to be, in Christopher’s words, “dumb as rocks.”  Chad made grammatical errors in his speech, didn’t know anything about current events, and made strong statements of opinion based on things that Christopher knew to be factually false.  In this case, Christopher’s crotch light and heart light were burning bright, but the head light was just not happening. Christopher left it at one coffee date – plus a one-night stand – but the relationship never really took off.

Jack went on a dinner date with Joe and found him to be intellectually stimulating – fascinating him with stories of his work as a journalist.  Jack found Joe kind of sexy, too.  It continued like this for several dates, where Jack was both fascinated and somewhat attracted to Joe, too.  But it stayed this way for a number of weeks of dating, and finally Jack realized that he had no particular feelings for Joe.  He admired his intellect, he admired his white teeth and shiny hair and sexy dimple in his chin, but he wasn’t developing any particular feelings for Joe romantically.  For Jack, the crotch and head lights were on, but the heart light was dim.  He realized soon after that all three lights actually were burning bright every time he talked to Mark, a guy who worked one floor below Jack in his office building.  He couldn’t wait to use the elevator in the morning, hoping he would run into Mark “accidentally.”  Finally, on their first lunch date, Jack sensed those three lights were on for Mark, too.  Jack later partnered with Mark, and his “head light” for Mark started to flicker just a little bit when Mark wanted to paint the living room a hideous shade of green.  (Yes, sometimes the lights can flicker a bit!)

What’s your situation?  When you think of the relationship you’re in, or might be entering with a new partner, what’s happening with your three lights? What do you believe is happening with your partner’s lights?  If your relationship is having trouble, which of the six lights are dim or burned out?  Knowing this might help you identify the problem, and create treatment goals for a working agenda to bring into couples therapy.  As the saying goes, identifying a problem is the first step toward fixing it.

As simple as these words are, they reveal a similar philosophy about self-empowerment that I often teach my clients as I encourage them to identify, call forth, strengthen, and implement the skills of coping they need to face life’s challenges head-on.  One of the best strategies for any challenge is to adopt as relentlessly positive an attitude as you possibly can, even if that’s hard to do.  Earlier this year, when I was facing Total Hip Replacement surgery of my left femur bone joint in my left leg due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis (crumbling bone), I took this attitude to prepare for my surgery.  I worked out extra-hard the week before the surgery so that I would be in peak shape for my subsequent recovery and physical therapy.  I was grateful for the not-so-bad hospital food, for the cute physical therapist, for the silly word games my fiancé played with me to pass the time, and for the nurses who took good care of me, I believe, in part due to the relentlessly polite and positive approach I gave them (I wanted them to be happy to answer my buzzer!).  Later,  I undertook my physical therapy not as a chore, but as a joy that the exercises would restore me to full athletic physical functioning — which they did, after only 12 weeks of consistent and diligent work.  I don’t think it would have gone as fast or as well if I hadn’t been practicing Dolly’s advice — and this was before I learned about her song! 
In daily practice with clients, I will often quote an inspirational song, story, script, or poem that I think might help them, or ask them to see if they can draw inspiration from a piece of music or literature that inspires them.  Getting inspiration from the materials we are exposed to, and applying that material to challenging situations, is one aspect of emotional coping with the challenges that life inevitably tosses into our path. 

Dolly’s song goes on to suggest that if “your life’s a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe’s way outdated, all your plans just keep on fallin’ through; overweight, underpaid, under-appreciated — I’m no guru, but I’ll tell you, this I know is true:  You better to get to livin’, givin’, a little more thought about bein’ a little more willin’, to make a better way — Better start carin’, sharin’, tryin’, smilin’ — the day we’re born, we start to die, don’t waste a minute of this life — get to livin’.”  All of these “in” verbs are a motivating list of how we need to jump-start our self-empowered attitudes.  If something isn’t right, reach deep down into yourself and ask, “What do I need to evoke in myself to make things better?”  Or, “What do I need to ask of others to make things better?”  Knowing the internal resources we need (motivation, assertiveness, stamina, self-respect, effort, belief, inspiration, compassion) and the resources from others (information, elbow-grease, wisdom, time, compassion, faith, trust, courage, patience) helps us to assemble the tools we need to make change.  Applying our resources — plus those we borrow from others — is  what makes change in our lives.

Dolly’s more religious side suggests, “If it gets too rough, fall on your knees and pray — and do this every day.”  For non-religious but perhaps more spiritual people, maybe it’s about meditating, concentrating, releasing, and believing.  For people in AA, it’s about “giving it up” to a God of their understanding, or to their Higher Power.  Sometimes, when it gets real rough, our spirituality has to augment all the resources that are within us and those near us.  The anniversary of 9/11/01 comes to mind, or when things happen that seem to take all that we can give — and then some.  When we really stretch at those times, we grow. 
Lots of song lyrics can inspire us, and other materials that I can explain in therapy or coaching.  What songs inspire you?  Get to listenin’ — and get to livin’ — so that you, too, can Have The Life You Want!

1. Be aware of your mind’s self-talk – Self-talk is the little silent monologue that runs in the back of our head throughout the day.  In cognitive therapy, it is the place in the mind where the real work is.  If your self-talk is negative, such as “Dang; he’s cute; he won’t want to talk to little old me,” then you’re probably right.  But you can change that thought to, “OK, he’s hot, but I’m not afraid to talk to him and ask him out.  He’s only human.  All he can say is no, and he might say yes.  I’m going for it.”  You can see the difference changing that thought might make to your body language, posture, facial expression, and voice.  You’ll make a better first impression with a positive mind-set.  Even if your efforts are unsuccessful, and the guy throws you shade, that says something about him and his insecurities in being rude, not about you.  Stay positive and move on to someone else.
2. Make him feel interesting – If you do meet someone you like, or want to make a good impression on anyone, make them feel like they are the most fascinating person on the planet.  Keep good eye contact; don’t let your eyes wander.  Ask him how he spends his time, and what activities he enjoys.  Even if you have to pretend a little, act as if tax accounting (or whatever he says) is the most fascinating profession you’ve ever heard of.
3. Ask open ended questions – Don’t ask questions that have a “yes” or “no” answer, like, “You live around here?” or “Having a good time?”.  Ask open-ended questions that ask him to comment on something descriptively, such as, “I just moved to Hollywood;   Where do you live?”, or, “How do you like this DJ?

Sometimes getting a grip on social anxiety sometimes means de-constructing and understanding how even casual social interchanges work.  If you really notice, all conversations have a beginning, middle, and end, kind of like writing a term paper.  The beginning is about breaking the ice, which is making that transition from strangers who aren’t talking, to acquaintances who are.  Tips for breaking the ice include:

• “Hi,  my name is ______.  What’s yours?”
• “Cool haircut.  Where do you go to get it?”
• “Great car.  How do you like driving a ________?”
• “Hi.  I noticed you earlier and wanted to say hi.  I’m _______.”
• “Fun crowd tonight.  What’s going on?”

The middle of a conversation can be trickier.  One tip is to ask questions in sequence that give you a little bit more information each time you converse, picking up on something to follow up on in the last sentence the person said, like this:You:  Whereabouts do you live?
Him:  Not far.  Over in Hollywood near Highland.
You:  Nice area.  How do you like the changes over there?
Him:  They’re good.  Lots of new stores in the area.
You:  Which ones do you like?
Him:  I like shopping at Hollywood and Highland.  Cool clothes there. Which ones do you like?.
You:  I like the new American Apparel.  I found a lot of stuff there.  Where is your shirt from?  It’s nice.
Him:  From this little store my friend works at near Hollywood and Fairfax.
(For something to say next, you could follow up on: 1) friends who do interesting work; 2) friends who work in clothing; 3) things about the Hollywood and Fairfax area; or 4) where to get good clothes.)

One of the hardest social skills in conversation is knowing when the conversation is over, and how to end it graciously and move on.  You can usually feel it a little, such as when a pause is particularly long and you both feel like you’re running out of things to say.  Some ideas for closing the deal are:

• It was great talking to you.  I need to go find my buddy again before heading out.  Can I call you sometime?  I’d love to go out with you if you’d like.
• I would love to chat more, but I have to run to the rest room.  I’ll be around for awhile, but in case I miss you, it was great meeting you.  Can I see you again sometime?
• I wish I had more time, but I have an early morning with my trainer and have to run.  Can I email you?

Note that while you are initiating the goodbye, you’re also asking HIM for his contact information so that YOU have control on whether you contact him again, not just giving your card or phone number to him and then waiting for him to call (which he might lose or forget, even if he likes you.) Or, to move things closer to hooking up, say something like,

• “I’m really glad I met you.  What are you doing later?  You want to come over for a while?”

For some people, these kinds of social skills come easily, because they have developed a positive self-talk and these skills are second-nature.  For others, they are skills that have to be developed and practiced.  Role-playing this in the safety of therapy sessions can help you rehearse for real-world situations.  When you have mastery of these skills, you can evolve from a quiet wallflower to someone who meets more people and has more fun.