Blog: Gay Men’s Mental Health – Musings on Current Events from the Perspective of a Gay Therapist
August 22, 2010: Bad News Calls for Resiliency, Resolve, and Revolution
Looking at the news over the past couple of weeks from a gay men’s mental health point of view leaves quite a bit to be desired. In my last post, I was talking about how the overturn of Prop 8 is a collective mental health booster for the entire lesbian and gay community. Conversely, the “stay” on the overturn of Prop 8 (and the subsequent delay in the resumption of same-sex weddings) by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals is a detriment to our collective mental health. This requires patience, but also continued advocacy. Much of the fate of Prop 8 is in the court system, which is where it should be, considering that the entire issue is about equal civil rights in the eyes of state law, and marriage in this sense is a state civil right, not a “religious rite” conducted in a church. People forget that marriage is really a legal contract, ceremony aside. It’s hard for us as a community to be “patient” for the simple state of equal civil rights under the law. There is a certain appropriate “impatience” that’s called for. That’s what African-Americans agitated for during the Selma bus boycott, and I think the gay community needs to start taking a tougher line on this and be a little more bold in its protests. Protests must always be in proportion to the extent of the oppression; the larger the oppression, the more bold and extreme the protests need to be — up to and including revolution (a la Marie Antoinette getting her head chopped off by the French for her “let them eat cake” attitude). While I work with clients on “anger management” (which is a real topic in psychotherapy, despite the mocking of it in movies and television), there is a time and place for the appropriate expresssion of anger. We don’t want to eliminate anger from our range of emotion, but we want to control and tame it as if we had a wild animal on a leash. As a wise colleague once said, “Anger is our defense against abuse and exploitation.”
Anger is certainly the order of the day in response to another current event, which was “Dr.” (and I mean that in the most mocking way possible, as she is NOT a licensed psychotherapist, despite the public’s assumption that she is, which she does nothing to disavow) Laura Schlessinger. You remember her? She’s the one who called gay people a “biological error”. She was partially on the right path, in that she correctly characterized sexual orientation as not a choice, but biologically-based, but she went too far with the perjorative “error” comment that instantly made her look like the intolerant bitch that she is. This time, she stuck her conserative pump in her mouth yet again with using the “n-word” slur, many times, on her radio show. She got in trouble for it, “apologized” the next day in her own half-assed disengenuous way, but then announced she would be ending her radio show voluntarily (B.S., I bet she was asked to leave) so that she could restore her “First Amendment rights” (for those of you who don’t really get that Amendment stuff, the First Amendment includes the right to free speech). And who was the first person to come to her support for doing that? None other than Sarah Palin. That just figures. Instead of the First Wives Club, there ought to be a new moniker for the group that includes Sarah Palin, Laura Schlessinger, Maggie Gallagher (of the “National Organization for Marriage; barf), Jan Brewer (vicious conservative Governor of Arizona) and Sharron Angle (Republican challenger for Harry Reid’s Senate seat in Nevada) and my personal favorite love-to-hate person, California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman, who recently announced that she would support and defend Prop 8 if she is elected governor. They should call this group the Vicious Antigay Bitch Club. All of these women have, either recently or in the past, spouted the most vicious anti-gay bile in order to appeal to their base of stupid, hateful conservatives that hate everyone from Us Gayboyz, to immigrants, to “liberals”. As I said in my earlier post about Maggie Gallagher (the miserable excuse for a human being), when you devote your public life to oppressing other people (LGBT, etc.) and making their lives miserable by working day and night to take away rights, oppress, and induce suffering any way you can, you deserve all the criticism you get.
The bad news didn’t end with the Vicious Antigay Bitch Club. There was news out of Saudi Arabia (another term that generally makes my skin crawl) that a man who had a knife fight with another man had paralyzed his victim. As punishment, a judge there was making inquiries of hospitals to ask if there were a procedure to paralyze the perpetrator through a punitive spinal surgery on him. What year is it?? The United States actually does billions of dollars a year with a country like this? With this kind of violation of human rights? Protests sprang up from Amnesty International and others that this punishment would be torture, which is a violation of the United Nations agreement on abstaining from torturous punishments (which, to their credit, Saudi Arabia is supposedly a signatory of). But what kind of vicious barbarian would even think of such a punishment?
Speaking of vicious barbarians, my blood boiled at the sight of a video online where this dumb hick circus trainer beats an elephant and then brags about it; (see www.ringlingbeatsanimals.com). What is happening these days that there are so many examples of just plain Bad Human Behavior??
I’m generally a nice guy, really (I’m a therapist; we pride ourselves on being genuinely nice, affirmative, and peaceful people, holding our clients in “unconditional positive regard”), and I generally focus on the positive to help people address challenges in their lives in all kinds of ways. But when we are barraged in the weekly news with examples of vile human behavior against other humans (or in the case of Ringling Brothers Circus, its animals), it’s OK to cry foul. Some activisits who promote peace, social justice, and civility would say it is our DUTY to cry foul, and keep demanding it until justice is achieved.
All is not lost. Sarah Palin is a national joke, and probably has no real chance of gaining any serious power. Laura Schlessinger will be a darling of conservatives from now on, and make lots of money at whacko conservative conventions where she can spout the “n-word” to her dark heart’s desire to an eager audience of morons who eat it up. Sharron Angle will likely lose the Nevada election. Jan Brewer will eventually be drummed out of power in Arizona. PETA will teach, and all rational-minded people will eventually learn, that Ringling Brothers is an archaic embarrassment of an “entertainment” institution and someday the tent will permanently fold and its animals sent to sancturaries around the world. And, hopefully, Jerry Brown will be elected Governor of California and send Meg Whitman away in even more disgrace than she already is in.
I always say that starting work in psychotherapy and coaching begins with the HOPE, that the conditions that brought a client to me CAN get better, with work and the strategic application of various resources. Let’s hope the same holds true for broader socio-political issues. Until then, we can each rally our sense of Resilience and Resolve, which are key components of mental health.
And keep Revolution in our back pocket, just in case.
August 8, 2010: The Overturn of Prop 8: A Mental Health Booster
The overturn of Proposition 8 in California last week by federal judge Vaughn Walker was indeed good news. Not only did it overturn one of meanest-spirited pieces of legislation in modern history, Walker’s 136-page ruling made a number of eloquent and cogent points. He challenged the heterosexist assumption that all or any heterosexual relationship is inherently superior to any same-sex relationship. He confronted that just because some people (anti-gay ones) simply don’t like others (gay ones), is not a reason for a state to legislate against them or take away fundamental rights, and marriage has been previously determined to be a legal, fundamental, secular state civil right. His reasoning goes on and on to take the anti-gay, bigoted Prop 8 proponents to task, and expose them for the vile hateful creatures that they are.
I’m married, and my wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. My marriage is a source of daily happiness for me and for my husband. And anyone who would deny the happiness that weddings and marriages can bring to a person and to a couple cannot be considered anything else than a mean-spirited, bigoted, emotionally violent person, regardless of whatever else they are or whatever else “good” they do. Adolf Hitler petted his dog, too; that doesn’t make him a good person. He was a vile monster of the 20th Century, regardless of how the pup would have evaluated him. Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage is a miserable excuse for a human being regardless of whatever qualities as a wife/mother/neighbor, etc. she might otherwise be. She, and the Prop 8 supporters like her, have a choice. And if you choose to indulge in pure, mean-spirited bigotry, and you work with your voice, pen, and votes to deny happiness and freedom in equal rights under the Law against people YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, simply because they are biologically different and you feel inherently genetically superior to them, then you deserve all the criticism you get.
One of my dearest friends gets after me for how heated my rhetoric gets when I talk about this subject. And I know, as a therapist, that emotional affect regulation is a very important skill; I work with clients on this. But affect regulation does not mean that we give up our passions, even the red-hot, vivid ones. My relationship, what my husband means to me, and my investment in seeing social justice done (I can’t help it; I’m a Libra and a social worker; that’s about as social-justice-conscious as you can get, save being a hippie, and I’m younger than that generation, thank you) runs to the very core of my most deeply-held personal values, and when those are threatened, those are fighting words. It’s like a mother lion protecting her cubs. You have to stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything. I advise everyone to have at least one or two passions that they get heated about; without that, I think you have to take your pulse to see if you’re alive. Don’t be afraid to have passions, and don’t be afraid to have enemies. If Maggie Gallagher thinks I’m the Devil Incarnate for calling her a miserable excuse for a human being for her dedicating her public life to virulently anti-gay efforts that cause real suffering to real people by the tens of millions, so be it. If you judge a man by his enemies, I must be doing something right, because my enemies are some of the most vicious, criminal, violent, mean-spirited, bigoted, self-absorbed, ivory-tower conservatives known to man. And conversely, my friends are some of the most kind-hearted, progressive, generous, gentle, productive, learned, smart, insightful, kind and creative people around. I am SO proud of that.
So how does the overturn of Prop 8 affect gay men’s mental health (the purpose of my blog)? Because as gay men, we were formerly little gay boys. And every time we hear some jack-off conservative politician denigrate us in the most crass but still vicious rhetoric possible, the Inner Child Gay Boy in us hears that, and re-visits negative emotions that we grew up with — things that chipped away at our self-esteem, made us feel “less than”, undermined our confidence, undermined our self-worth, and depressed us. Even with adult critical thinking to recognize a stupid conservative bigot for what he/she is, spouting off to their base by whatever media means they have access to, it still stings a bit. So, the opposite is also true. When a person with considerable power, influence, and intellect such as a federal judge basically tells the vicious Prop 8 supporters to politically fuck off by invalidating their self-indulgent legislative gay-bashing, the Inner Child Gay Boy in us rejoices, feels validated, gains confidence, puffs up his chest, and smiles the sweet smile of social justice victory. That’ll boost up your day.
Sure, we still have the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals battle, and the Supreme Court battle, but I’m feeling great this week. Cooler, better heads have prevailed, and I’m hoping that it won’t be long before we see photos in the media of same-sex couples in California who are as happy on their wedding day as my husband and I were on ours. That’s my wish for all same-sex couples, to be drunk on that particular, unique kind of Wedding Day Joy. Bless them for that. THAT is worth fighting for, whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many layers of legislative gymnastic hoops we need to jump through.
Sometimes, the good guys win.
August 1, 2010: Lindsay Lohan and Guuurl, What NOT To Do!My take on the whole recent Lindsay Lohan story reminds me of a thing that I work with my clients on sometimes. As much as I believe in positive role-modeling of behavior, there is such a thing as the opposite — negative behavioral role-modeling, or what NOT to do. This can actually be very useful; it can give us perspective and motivation.
I’m not privy to all the facts of the legal case, and I can’t comment on that perspective, and nor would I want to. Frankly, I have better ways to spend my time than to follow our dear Miss Lohan’s case in detail (see my related article on spending your resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to your Values, Priorities, and Goals, here: http://www.gaytherapyla.com/?p=415). But from what I gather, we can surmise that Miss Lohan is making a series of mistakes in behavioral terms that we can outline here:
- A failure to learn from our mistakes (critical for personal self-growth)
- A failure to use our resources of people, time, energy, money, talent, and social position to our best advantage (and impulsive squandering of such resources)
- A failure to bring humility to the process; to humble ourselves in preparation for inevitable life changes; to know when we must submit to the will of others for the greater good (bosses, the law, culture, society, etc.)
- A failure to recognize the value of working toward our personal goals, yet doing so within established systems of law, industry, and culture
- A failure to resist poverty-oriented thinking and a depressed, hopeless outlook; indulging in learned helplessness
- A failure to understand restraint, empathy, and consideration of others
- A failure to differentiate between a healthy, “selective Hedonism” and indulgent self-destruction
- A failure to resist a dysfunctional Narcissism and entitlement (which is expecting reward without working for it)
We can all point to Miss Lohan, somewhat condescendingly, and say, “Guuuurl, what a mess” and get a good laugh about it. She is a person of money and privilege in her dubious celebrity, and yet squanders it with her foibles. No real harm comes from it, except maybe a sacrifice of the poor girl’s dignity and her transparent naivete’. But as extreme as her example is, we could all turn that criticism on ourselves.
To what degree, in any given week, are any of us guilty of the behavioral pitfalls above? How do we abandon ourselves, and abandon our goals, by our various failures to keep focus, negative digressions, and impulsive deviations from doing our own best good?
Perhaps we all get a lesson from the above list, and a reminder to renew our commitment to doing just the opposite. And instead of looking at what NOT to do, we look at other people in the news who might inspire us. It can be fun to be a consumer of TMZ.com, or People magazine, or any of the gossip blogs. It’s titillating, and quite a fantasy to see “how the other half lives” when money is no object and life is uninterrupted by such petty disruptions as work and chores. But in our consumption of the modern media, and the endless display of celebrity foibles from the perennial Clown Car that is the Internet, let’s also look for figures who actually inspire us. Pretty much anything that Dolly Parton does inspires me, so I try to keep an eye on her. Usually Michelle Obama is up to something positive, whether it’s helping Americans to address obesity or just looking classy by wearing fabulous clothes (both noble pursuits). And I’m pretty sure Bill Clinton is up to something good with his very positive Foundation work. Those are the “celebrities” I might spend my precious time reading about.
Miss Lohan, not so much. Bitch better werk.
July 5, 2010: Independence Day
As we celebrate the summer and the Fourth of July — Independence Day — let’s consider the meaning of that word, “independence.” Historically, this means celebrating America’s birth as a nation. But we can celebrate our INDIVIDUAL independence by declaring ourselves free of something we no longer want in our lives. What burdens you? What do you wish you had independence from? A reliance on a substance like alcohol, crystal or cocaine? Or the yoke of a process addiction to spending, gambling, compulsive eating, work, or sex? Or a burden of too much debt that keeps you from feeling solvent and free? A job that drains you of your energy and doesn’t fill your spirit? A relationship fraught with problems that drag down your ability to really enjoy another person? The invisible chains of difficult emotions like fear, worry, sadness, or frustration? Maybe it’s time to Declare your Independence, starting today.
But how? First, check in with yourself. Do you spend more time being generally OK and happy, or more time burdened by this “thing” that binds you? If the thing that bothers you takes up considerable time in your mind, it’s time to identify what that is and do something about it. America didn’t achieve its independence by simply writing the Declaration of Independence — that was just the first step in recognizing what the problem was. The second step was doing something about it — fighting the Revolutionary War. Maybe your problem won’t require fighting an entire war, but it will require action from you. What resources do you need to fight for your independence? An internal resource like determination, courage, energy, or assertiveness? Or an external resource like researching and gaining information, developing new skills (which are defined as “knowledge put into practice”), emotional support, mentoring, coaching, or counseling/psychotherapy?
Every journey begins with the first step. After you’ve identified what would represent independence for you, what is the first thing you need to do about it? Then do it. Once you do, there will be fireworks in your life to celebrate it!
April 19, 2010: The Recovery is Coming: Are You Ready?
In the news today, there are a number of accumulating signs that the economic Recession, that has plagued so many, for so long, may finally be coming to an end. Are you ready?
During the Recession, we saw countless “negative items” that cast a collective pall on our country. Lost jobs. No merit raises. Fewer hiring opportunities. Non-existent promotions. Little opportunity. Squashed entrepreneurialism. Contraction by everyone, in every business. Tightening the belt. Playing it safe. Laying low. You get the idea.
All of these actions, during a Recession, are not only prudent, but they are necessary for survival. However, equally important in knowing when to “shrink”, is knowing when to expand.
In my work as not only a psychotherapist, but also as a life/business coach to dozens of gay men in West Hollywood/Los Angeles, I am always impressed by the spirit of what I call the “gay male solo entrepreneur”. Many of the clients I work with are self-employed professionals, or skilled artisans of some kind, who make their living by doing what they love with a loyal and grateful client base. These include architects, photographers, graphic designers, screenwriters, musicians, small business owners, personal trainers, real estate agents, and even other psychotherapists. During the Recession, there were many stories of how these otherwise talented, ambitious, skilled, successful men were frustrated by a pervasive economic “Climate of No”, frustrating their dreams of expansion, influence, profitability, prestige and professional reward. At the time, we did what we could to preserve, protect, and prolong sustainability and profit, but with only a rare glance toward expansion.
Today, in the face of well-awaited and welcome recovery, we get to discard much of that. Today, we allow ourselves to focus on growth, ambition, and dreams once again. How do we do that?
Think about your own situation. If you’re ready to get a new job as soon as one is available, is your resume updated? Have you been keeping an ongoing List of Accomplishments in a computer file or notebook at work, so that you have “bargaining power” of your contributions when it comes time to finally negotiate a merit raise? Have you been collecting the names and contact information of people to network with, who are in a position to either teach you, mentor you, expose you to other “important” people, or hire you? Have you been keeping abreast of “trend spotting” in your field, so that your skill set is impeccable now that the job market is coming alive with competing candidates for newly-available positions? Have you sat down and determined what your ideal new salary would be, and what your acceptable “settle” amount would be? Have you thought your working lifestyle, and how much travel or commuting you can tolerate? Have you calculated what benefits you need for your lifestyle? (If you have dependents, which even some gay men do, you’re going to need more life insurance than someone who is single with no dependents and no elderly parents to take care of later.). Also, any new job must be evaluated in the context of deferred compensation, such as their 401-K matching or other long-term savings that influences your financial station well beyond your annual salary.
If you own your own business, think about how you might expand, if you had the customers and the revenue to support it. What new products or services would you develop, if you knew the economy would support that growth? In what locations would you open second or third offices? What staff would you hire to make your life easier, or allow your business to expand, with more money floating around in the economic ether? What growth sectors have emerged in your field (especially technically) during the Recession that you could respond to? What frustrated needs/desires have your customers been keeping pent-up, that if they had a little more money to spend (which they probably will), they could be spending on YOUR products and services? The Green Movement is a collective “value” that is being increasingly cherished by American society, especially among those who are middle-class or higher in socioeconomic status. Is there anything that YOUR business could do to market to, respond to, or support those who hold “green” values?
Finally, come back to your dreams. One of the worst parts of a Recession is people putting their dreams on hold, about new work opportunities, vacations, home improvement, hobbies, altruistic/charitable projects, and artistic endeavors. It’s time to dust those off the shelf, and make them a reality for you.
Pacing is important, and it remains to be seen how much recovery we will have, and how fast. Having someone to collaborate with, such as a personal/business coach, might help you to identify, prioritize, evaluate, and implement the goals that fit the values, talent, skills, dreams and ambitions that you bring to your business.
There is a new day dawning of a more stable, robust, American economy. Be there to greet it with open eyes, open arms, and an open mind. Good morning!
April 17, 2010: The Census and Gay Men’s Mental Health
My very close friends will sometimes tease me that in ordinary conversation, I can switch topics abruptly, or I can link seemingly very different things. Such is the case with my thoughts on the current United States 2010 Census effort, and gay men’s mental health. (Several articles these days address gay issues regarding the Census, such as http://www.newsweek.com/id/219859 and http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/make_sure_your_gay_relationship_is_counted_in_2010_census). How are the Census and gay men’s mental health even remotely related? Here’s how:
We all have our hobbies, and a “recurrent” hobby for me has been tracing my family tree, on both my mother’s and my father’s sides, through all different winding branches that scurry all over the country. Most of this has been using a great online resource, www.Ancestry.com, and spending probably “too much” time late into the night “playing” with the online tool (toy?). But the research and its surprisingly satisfying “discoveries” do a lot for me as a mood-booster. They reiterate my long-held political and social philosophy that we all do not live in a vacuum; what we do, for better or worse, affects other people, now and in time to come. “Lowly” clerks who recorded the Census for centuries, as dull as that lifestyle sounds, have provided information that I’m using, and benefiting from, sometimes hundreds of years after they did their mundane clerical work. How many of us can say our work might be valuable to someone 400 years from now?
But to discover my ancestry validates my sense of self, and my own small place in history. In my work with clients, I am frequently working with them to ward off the ill-effects of societal homophobia on our self-esteem growing up. And, simultaneously, I’m working with them to build a strong, positive sense of self, that helps them have the courage, drive, ambition, optimism, vision, focus, and energy to achieve their dreams — whether it’s resolving relationship conflict, getting a raise at work, coping with a health setback, or opening their own business. Our sense of self is a VERY high predictor of how successful we will be at any given endeavor.
Learning that my ancestors were some of the original settlers at Jamestown is something I’m proud of. They obviously had strong immune systems to not perish, as so many of those original settlers did, isolated in harsh winter conditions and in an area with few Native Americans/American Indians to help them learn how to endure those conditions. This gives me hope that with my recent health challenges, maybe I can trust my long-standing generational immune strength to get me by.
In an age when we have the Tea Party movement wanting to abandon our country’s poor in their selfish “every man for himself” thinking, tracing ancestry means that we must all live together and take care of each other, and our world, or we will perish like the vulnerable early settlers who didn’t survive those first Jamestown winters. Navigating the current health care system? That’s a good parallel to literally surviving in the harsh woods.
Also, gay men who answer the current Census are making their voices heard, by making their numbers KNOWN. I loved filling out my Census form, knowing that it will be calculated as a household that contains two adult men, identifying as married, and sharing the same address. Hundreds of years from now, I hope someone takes notice that the 2010 Census was the first in history to record same-sex, married households in California (before the current, hopefully temporary, Prop 8 ban on new same-sex marriages). Some geek like me, way into the future, who likes studying geneaology, is going to get the same kick out of that, like I did in learning that my great-great grandfather, a prominent physician, founded the Public Library in Butte, Montana, in the late 1800′s.
Want to improve your self-esteem? Want to strengthen your sense of self? Want to advocate for your gay brothers everywhere? Want to contribute your legacy to history? Answer the Census!
February 1, 2010: Inspiration from “Friday Night Lights”: ‘Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose’
November 13, 2009: To Love a Stranger/To Lose a Friend
This past month or so, I have experienced my own profound emotions. Usually, my work is about OTHERS’ profound emotions, and my helping them to interpret them, but since this Blog is a place where I occasionally indulge my own expressions of feelings in the service of helping others, I’ll share mine.
Thematically, it’s about Love and Loss. Specifically, “loving” two friends and losing them — but “loving” and “losing” in different ways. I’ll explain:
My husband, Michael, and I have an agreement where in the age of all the social networking sites like Facebook, Connexion, and even Manhunt, we are allowed to have correspondence and even flirt with other gay men. We don’t find it threatening, and actually find it amusing and validating. We swap stories on the cool people (and not so cool) we meet. My husband “met” a guy named “Colton” on Facebook, who was a “real estate agent” in Tulsa, Oklahoma. His (one) picture was very cute, and he and Michael would flirt and chat and generally waste time (what else is Facebook for? LOL). But at a certain point, Michael told me that Colton had confided that he had been suddenly diagnosed with cancer, and that it was discovered at a very advanced stage, and that Colton was dying. Quickly. Like, within weeks. Michael was upset, and I was upset for him. As the conversations in chat and email intensified, I (of course) went into “helper mode” and started corresponding with Colton myself, trying to give some very informal, off-the-record “counseling”, based on my experience helping my clients who had faced terminal illness in the past, especially at the height of the AIDS crisis.
The chats with Colton intensified, until he supposedly became too weak to type from his home-based hospital bed and his “brother Danny” took over. It was here I noticed some odd things; Danny was supposedly a straight guy, but made flirty comments just like a gayboy. I offered to speak to “Danny”, and when I did, his voice was not only similar to the one time I had spoken with “Colton”, it was identical. I read the Facebook threads. Someone made a rather confrontive comment to “Danny”, and I messaged that person and asked if he were making a confrontive comment because he suspected “Colton” was a hoax. He responded, “Of course it’s a hoax; I’ve been following this joke for months.” He and I contacted others, and the jig was up. We “Googled” Colton’s name, and he didn’t exist outside of Facebook. We were all taken in by a huge Facebook hoax about a “dying” gay man.
During this time, I had wished for a miracle about my “poor friend Colton”. I had wished for his cancer to magically go away. Well, be careful what you ask for; you just might get it. With a poof of discovery, the entire hoax was revealed, “Colton” died, and the Facebook profile for him was deleted.
All of the trauma that Michael and I had gone through in the 80′s and 90′s with losing friends to AIDS had been recapitulated, but not in a “real” way, but in a very 2009 Facebook hoax way. We both felt relieved, angry, and betrayed all at once. What a slap in the face this asshole was to everyone who has ever fought cancer (myself included), and a slap to the memory of everyone who has succumbed to a premature, fatal illness.
But no sooner did we exhale from the “Colton” experience, than our friend Spencer Yu actually did pass away, while on the Atlantis gay cruise in Mexico. This time, it was real. A very close friend HAD died. The grief and coping mechanisms had to be re-activated, after just being asked to “stand down” after the hoax.
What did Michael and I learn from this? We learned that we have hearts. We learned that all of us learn to care about people, whether they are “just a Facebook stranger” we come to care about on a human-to-human level, or real people who share precious realtime moments in our lives.
Would we do it all again? You betcha. “Colton” can go fly a kite with his self-indulgent, Naricissitic, grandiose delusion. May he get the mental health help he needs.
And Spencer, rest in peace — flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
September 25, 2009: On the Fading ‘Guiding Light’
Last week marked the final telecast of the longest-running “soap opera” in history, “The Guiding Light”, which was originally on radio in the 30s and then on television for decades (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guiding_Light). Although I hadn’t watched it in years (and apparently I wasn’t alone in this), I was very sad to see it go. Like so many things in my life (I admit; I’m a nostalgic, romantic sap), I have a sentimentality on the occasion of its demise, and wanted to give it my own blog-style eulogy.
In some ways, it’s like an old friend passing away, or an old landmark being torn down, or a “constant” in one’s life that is no longer there, like tearing down a lighthouse that has always been there in the water (for many years, the “logo” of the show on TV was a shining lighthouse, and I remember when they changed both that logo and the long-running theme song, I suppose in an attempt to “modernize” the show, the first of many attempts to stem the tide of the changing times that led to its eventual demise).
In my practice as a psychotherapist, I have often mused that if there is indeed an over-arching “key” to happiness, it is “living in gratitude.” So, today, I want to express to my dear, departing “Guiding Light”, the things I’m grateful for in it, with my godspeed and thanks.
I think the main thing it represents to me is “family”. As a self-appointed gay activist (though I don’t think I really do enough for our community to really earn the title of “activist”, yet), musing on the value of “family” is something my Arch Enemies of the Religious Right would be surprised to hear me spout. But, believe it or not to my skeptical and hostile opponents, I strongly believe in “family values”, I just don’t consider hate for LGBT people to be among them. Rather, I think of how “Guiding Light” supported MY family values. I started watching the show with my mother, when I was as young as people go. I watched that show a good 5 years before starting Kindergarten. My mom was a housewife (and boy was she a damn good one; Martha Stewart should commit hara kiri if she knew my mother, cuz my mom did it all first and better). She was dedicated to keeping a clean, comfortable, stylish, healthy, and loving home, and worked tirelessly for it, but she did have enough self-care instinct (also something I “preach” to my clients) enough to take time out in her day to watch “GL”. My mom is responsible for educating me in many things; she was actually quite the “teacher”, and patiently explained things to her somewhat precocious and inquisitive son. I couldn’t get enough of pressing her for what she knew about show business history (my mom must have known I was gay from a very young age; I used to pepper her frequently with all the questions I possibly could about what she knew about the stars of “The Wizard of Oz” and “Bewitched”, my two favorite childhood obessions, and what the stars were like in “real life” (somehow thinking she knew all the answers, cuz Mom knows everything). My mom explained that “GL” used to be on the radio, and that she started watching it in college in the early 1950′s (oops; sorry, Mom; I guess it was more MID 50′s) when the show followed the movements of the generation before the one we were currently watching. She explained how in the 60′s, the show expanded from 15 minutes to 30 minutes (I remember when it went from 30 minutes to 60). She explained how “grandma” Bert Bauer was the “leading lady” of the show in past years, while the show by the 70s focused on her two sons, a doctor (Ed) and a lawyer (Mike), who oddly actually looked nothing alike. She would explain, in such a gracious and age-appropriate way, answers to my questions about plot points that involved things like extramaritial affairs, murder, and other “grownup” themes.
My sister was an important part of this ritual, too, as we both watched it. Occasionally, her superior knowledge of All Things of the World (she was, after all, 3 years older) would occasionally enlighten me on a plot point. Only my dad was having none of it; I remember learning what the word “drivel” meant by his description of “Guiding Light”. (My dad was great for expanding my vocabulary, for although I don’t think he really thought of himself that way, he’s actually VERY smart and a talented wordsmith, and probably the source of much of my sister’s and my penchant for writing.) For my sister and me, “GL” (as she used to call it) and an afternoon snack was our reward for a school day well done.
At a certain point when I was a kid in the 70s, my grandmother mentioned that she used to listen to “GL” on the radio. That just made my world complete. I took a certain comfort that in my family, there was a continuity between something recreational that my grandmother enjoyed (my father’s mother) and that my mother, and now I, enjoyed, too. I think in families, “continuity” and “tradition” can give a person, especially a child, a sense of belonging and even security. It taught my very young self that some things endure for years, even decades, and when I was not even a decade old myself, that sounds like a REALLY long time.
My spotty memory only allows for highlights of moments from the show. I remember my mom getting angry at the screen when I think “Leslie” was on trial for murder, and the prosecutor tried to nail her because a witness testified that he overheard Leslie say, “I could kill him.” My mom railed at how sillly that was; “lots of people say things like that, it doesn’t make them murderers!” she’d say. I wondered if she was referring to herself, and perhaps a time when she said or thought “I could kill him” when either me or my dad (the only “hims” in the house) had misbehaved. But I learned a bit about how trials and the justice system works by watching “GL”, and these dramatic, compelling scenes paved the way for the entire “Law & Order” courtroom drama franchise that dominates television today.
Later, I remember the tense atmosphere created by the actresses (who were very good) and the director, when Kit poisoned Charlotte (for whatever reason, I can’t remember) and watched her die before her eyes. I was fascinated with the pure sadism and cruelty of this, and learned what villainous behavior really is, especially from self-indulgent, manipulative women. This was repeated when Georgene Granger set Rita Stapleton’s house on fire (again, not sure why). Later, in my own adult life, when I had a couple of incidents where very self-indulgent, aggressive, kind of evil people deliberately set out to undermine me in a case of workplace bullying, I had memories of these delicious villainesses on “GL”, and how their self-involved ambitions, jealousies, greed, lust, and entitlement led to irrational violent acts against innocent others.
The positive moments on “GL” inspired all the viewers, and me. Heart-tugging stories like when Rita’s little sister, Eve, went blind — and later regained her sight. I wanted to know in great medical technical detail how this was possible — how was medical technology used to help someone? This is perhaps one of the positive examples of the value of doctors and medical technology that helped me to never lose faith during my own medical challenges, especially in my 19 years of living with HIV. Watching Evie regain her sight through a combination of the intelligence, creativity, dedication, knowledge, and compassion of a handsome, heroic doctor (Ed Bauer) gave me hope that while it doesn’t always work (people do get sick and die), sometimes medical miracles happen, and we celebrate these. With the real news this week that a blind woman regained her sight after 9 years of blindness by having a hollow tooth stuck in her eye, little Eve and her storyline still live.
And for a young gay boy, the depiction of handsome, heroic characters was my first opportunity for the very mildest of “porn” (even though, in the 70′s, handsome actors really didn’t take their shirts off on soaps — that was to come in the 80′s). I still have a slight crush on a handsome 30-something actor buddy who is the spittin’ image of the young, 70s Ed Bauer (Mart Hulswit). Heartthrob characters like “Ben McFadden” and a very young Kevin Bacon were the heroes then that fascinated me. And I understood the appeal of the iconic “handsome bad-boy” in characters like Roger Thorpe, a true villain on the show (including a groundbreaking storyline that I saw, but don’t remember, on marital rape). Did the producers of “Guiding Light” realize that thousands of gay boys in the 70s were watching their characters with fascination? Who knows. But for many of my gay peers, soap actors and other TV heroes were the first introduction to crushes and even a child’s special version of vague “lust” (there is no other word for it; I remember looking at Kent McCord during the original run of “Adam-12″ in the late 60s (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam-12), and watching him the way a hungry lion watches a limping zebra at dinnertime — mind you, I was 5).
I am grateful that although my grandmother has since passed away, and “Guiding Light” has aired its last moment, my mom, dad, and sister are still around, and we can all share our nostalgia and “mourn” the loss of “our show” together (though I know my dad will make SOME kind of “good riddance” joke, right on cue). The creator of “Guiding Light” based the show on a series of inspirational sermons from a church that preached the universal “brotherhood of man”, perhaps not unlike the “appreciation of diversity” that I espouse when it comes to gay rights activism. For promoting that message, and for thousands of hours of entertainment, I’m grateful to “Guiding Light”. Long may you shine.
September 19, 2009: Musings on the 40th Anniversary of the Summer of 1969 – Lessons from History
Now that summer is over, I reflect on the fact that the Summer of 2009 marks the 40th Anniversary of the Summer of 1969 — and what a summer that was! Mind you, I was only 4 years old at the time, so I don’t remember much of it from an adult’s point of view, but had I been older then, I think I would have noticed — and appreciated — what that time meant socially and historically. It was a doozie if you look at it from my point of view and the things I’m interested in.
Such as, Judy Garland died of an accidental overdose of the barbiturate/sleep aid Seconal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seconal#Cause_of_death_of_Judy_Garland) on June 22. She was only 47 — 2 years older than I am now — and yet made show business history in those short years in movies, radio, concerts, and television, and became arguably the greatest gay male icon of all time. Her death was a lesson in what substances can mean to us. I work with clients all the time whose lives have been saved, improved, and are thriving thanks to the helpful benefits of prescription medication. However, Judy’s legacy is an example of how these medications must always be treated with respect, even reverene, lest they take over our lives. Plus, her life is an example is that you don’t have to live very long to make a lasting impression on the world. Her death is rumored to have fueled the anger of gay men in the Stonewall Riots, also in June, 1969, which marks the ceremonial beginning of the modern gay rights movement (though gay historians really like to poignantly challenge this, and with good reason — gay rights organizations existed in the 50′s, 20′s, and before). Sometimes, a great loss like Judy’s death, can be an inspiration. Gay men tore down barriers during those nights of rioting in New York City and paved the way for a more just, dignified, legitimate, respected, and mainstream existence than ever before. Bless those drag queens throwing rocks!
Perhaps the darkest events of an otherwise sunny summer were the murders over two nights perpetrated by the youn gang under the influence of the crazed Charles Manson. This event, chronicled in the book Helter Skelter (http://www.amazon.com/Helter-Skelter-Story-Manson-Murders/dp/0393322238/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253418328&sr=8-1 ) and others, has not lost its macabre appeal in over 40 years. The fact that one man, insane and evil as anyone has ever been, could “influence” others to literally commit murders on his behalf on innocent people (though he wouldn’t call them that), boggles the sane mind. Sure; everybody loves a hero. Groupies (especially younger women) have idolized “powerful” “bad boy” men for centuries. That they would kill for him shows that mind control is a very real, dangerous thing, and underscores why a healthy questioning of authority — whether it’s toward Charles Manson or George W. Bush — is always a healthy thing. The Manson Murders were also an example of the concept of “collective trauma”. Native Angelenos (people of Los Angeles) will often tell how no one in LA was quite as “trusting” after those events. People locked their doors. They viewed others with suspicion. They lost some “innocence”. And the golden summers of Los Angeles would never be the same. Perhaps not until 9/11/01 would such as large group of Americans feel the collective grief caused by one small “well-meaning” group’s evilly self-indulgent malacious acts with such shared trauma. This event showed us that while we might generally try to love our fellow Man, we always have to reserve just a little “fight or flight” in the back of our minds to guard and protect ourselves, that evil exists, and that strengthening the mind with the ability for objective, critical thinking is a powerful tool that should be a part of every young man’s or woman’s emotional/intellectual/social development, lest they be at the mercy of an influential madman.
The Summer of 1969 also brought us the landing on the moon in July (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_11). I remember watching many (rather dull) hours looking at our kind of dark TV screen, with lousy sound quality coming from the major networks’ connection to the lunar capsule. It was hard to see the dark, poor-resolution images, yet I knew because my entire family was gathered around the TV set, including my grandparents who were visiting, that this was a momentous occasion. Back then, the most momentous occasion on TV each year for me was the annual showing of “The Wizard of Oz” (see above; starring Judy Garland) (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000Q66J1W/ref=cm_rdp_product). But as I got older, I became more grateful that I was “there to see” the moon landing “live” on TV as a part of my personal biography. It was both dull and extraordinary at the same time.
I also have a great affinity for another event of Summer, 1969 — the Woodstock Music Festival (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woodstock_festival). I think to this day, seeing news coverage of that event has fueled my admittedly rabid attraction to guys with long hair. Even then, I knew that the liberation, expression, and meaning of that festival meant a challenge to the status quo — status quos like racism, homophobia, sexism, and the general conservatism with which I grew up that I have generally learned to eschew at every turn. Sure, drugs used to serious abuse is a problem, and I treat clients for these kinds of problems every day in my practice (http://www.gaytherapyla.com/?page_id=25) — I get it — but in the “innocence” of the Festival at Woodstock, drug use was minor, I believe, to the overall meaning of what it means for a society to move from the Piscean age of black/white, right/wrong, winner/loser, to the true Aquarian Age (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_Aquarius) of enlightened understanding and tolerance. Just 39 years later, when Prop 8 was enacted into the California Constitution as the first time equal, legal, civil rights had been taken away from an entire class of people (the right of gay/lesbian adult citizens of California to marry), we could have certainly used some of the tolerant, joyous, celebratory, inclusive, loving spirit that Woodstock represented.
Summer of 1969 was also the year the Beatles were seriously starting to break up, and it marked the closing of the 60′s and all that the decade represented (http://www.amazon.com/Let-Be-Remastered-Beatles/dp/B0025KVLV0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1253418248&sr=8-1). The 70′s were their own special time, and maybe I’ll muse more on that later (that sparked my equally rabid devotion to guys with great sideburns, so I guess every decade has its “men’s style” aphrodisiac in my Universe). I think when we see how awfully conservative things got in the 80′s, with the Cold War, “greed is good”, conspicuous consumption, the return of racism and homophobia (as if they ever really went away), AIDS/HIV, and the hard Right turn in the country under the leadership of the murderous Darth Vader (aka, Ronald Wilson Reagan – 6-6-6), we would do well to remember the 60′s and 70′s, and the momentous summer of 1969, that meant so much to so many.
Part of “Having the Life You Want”, I feel, is living in gratitude, and celebration, of all that is around us — in the present, certainly, but also in our appreciation of our own life history, or history before our lives even began. Anniversaries help us to note this gratitude, savor it, and celebrate it. As the 40th Anniversary of the Summer of 1969 comes to a close, I’m doing all that. Let the Sunshine In!
August 22, 2009: Hang In There: More Tips for Coping with the Recession
July 16, 2009: Celebrity Deaths and What They Mean for the Rest of Us
OK; I suppose I should say something about the recent deaths of three American iconic figures: Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson.
From a mental health point of view, or even a “life management” point of view, obviously Michael Jackson stands out, and a therapist could write for eons about those issues for analysis.
My take on these deaths, and I’ll be brief, are thus: When I think of the loss of Ed McMahon, long-time (3o-plus years) sidekick to Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show”, is the thought that, hey, we can’t ALL be “Johnny” in this world. Some of us have to be Ed McMahon. We have to be less pretty, less acccomplished, less wealthy, less adored, less regarded, whatever — than some of the people near us. Anyone who has ever been “not” famous and married/partnered to a person who is famous, knows this. But did Ed McMahon have a bad life? I don’t think so. By all accounts, he was a millionaire celebrity in his own right, with various marriages and children. He also hosted very successful shows on his own, with nary a Johnny in sight. So when we think that maybe we aren’t as famous and the Number One Star as perhaps we wish we could be or could have been, we have to tip our hat to Ed McMahon, and all the “Ed McMahons” like him, not to mention the bazillion unsung heroes who weren’t even as famous as Ed McMahon was. Sometimes, we have to be a star in our own world, in our own way, with no millions, no fame, no notoriety. And you know what? That ain’t such a bad life. Most people in the world fall into that category.
With Farrah, as a cancer survivor myself (2002), (though admittedly a MUCH milder version of it), I have to admire her not just for being a bombshell beauty of the 70′s , but also as a hero to those facing cancer bravely. I’ve lived 19 years with HIV, and watched dozens of friends die from HIV/AIDS, and I STILL say that cancer is worse — it is THAT bad (thought it’s not a contest here; HIV is no picnic, guys, so don’t get sloppy on the safer sex, OK?). So for Farrah to show persistence, courage, and bravery as a cancer patient, that makes her a hero, not anything that she might have done in the employ of Aaron Spelling or any other studio. I also admire how, artistically, she went from being frankly a not-very-good actress, to studying hard and learning to hone the craft so that by the time she did “Extremities” and “The Burning Bed”, she was decent, at least. It shows you that hard work and training is a worthy investment, regardless of the field you are in. Working to get better in your skills in your chosen field is always a noble pursuit. That’s why I admire Farrah — she’s just full of “noble pursuits”. I hope she really rests in peace; she seemed really sweet. Who knows if anyone will ever write a book stating otherwise.
And for Michael Jackson, what can I say that hasn’t been said? He had major developmental trauma, we can speculate with near certainty; probably child abuse; probably sexual molestation; probably substance abuse; and more sycophants around him (“Yes Men”) than in the history of humankind. He’s also in the same category as Elvis and (my beloved) Judy, stars who became addicts in the midst of their stardom in a way that ultimately took their lives prematurely. It’s just tragic all around. He is to be admired for the amazing phenomenon that is talent, where God or Nature or whatever bestows a certain ability or abilities that Mesmerize us in fascination and beauty, in Jackson’s case, his singing and dancing and ability to captivate a global-sized audience. Observing a great talent in action is one of the wonderful things about being alive. But because I work with SO many guys who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I reserve my sympathies for Jackson because I hold doubts that he’s innocent of seriously abusing young boys. I just think that he MIGHT be guilty, and that he fled the country to escape scrutiny. Surviving from sexual abuse is one of THE hardest conditions that I help my clients with. And while I can help them to heal with certain trauma recovery techniques I’ve been trained in and have learned to apply with hundreds of case examples and outcomes, I still hold antipathy to ANYONE who indulges his sexual impulses at the expense of a non-consenting person. Age of consent issues are controversial, and not ALL teen-adult relationships are harmful, as discussed in “Harmful To Minors”, a great book on the subject. However, if Michael Jackson harmed ANY of the young boys in his care, either through an “innocent” naivete, or through an arrogant, entitled, Narcissistic self-indulgence, then he is to be held in contempt for it — just as if he weren’t mega-rich and mega-powerful; just like the people who are incarcerated for such crimes. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say rest in peace, but not without wishing the same amount of peace (and more) to anyone who was ever his victim.
I’m sorry these figures are all gone before a normal American life expectancy, but at least we live in a culture where we can come to terms with loss and mortality by seeing it reflected in our cultural icons. We all have to come to terms with death, eventually. Doing it via celebrity deaths is one “channel” or “resource” to do it. Works for me.